# [rjbrown@lucent.com: [kagan@gvmail.ih.lucent.com: Cows]]

"Robert J. Brown" (rj@eli.wariat.org)
Tue, 17 Jun 1997 14:32:27 -0500

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    I just received this from a co-worker who is a Russian immigrant.

    ------- Start of forwarded message -------

    	I received this mail from my friend. I think it is funny and (based
    on my old experience with the different system) very true.

    Subject: FW: WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERE
    Author:  Cheryl Hagedorn at CBC-DEERFIELD
    Date:    6/17/97 11:14 AM

     -MOOO

    WORLD IDEOLOGIES EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

    FEUDALISM

    You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    SOCIALISM

    You have two cows.  The government takes them and puts them in a barn
    with everyone else's cows.  You have to take care of all the cows.
    The government gives you a glass of milk.

    FASCISM

    You have two cows.  The government takes both, hires you to take care
    of them, and sells you the milk.

    PURE COMMUNISM

    You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
    about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need".
    Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead
    of starvation.

    RUSSIAN COMMUNISM

    You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
    takes all the milk.  You steal back as much milk as you can and sell
    it on the black market.

    PERESTROIKA

    You have two cows.  You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes
    all the milk.  You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on
    the "free" market.

    CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM

    You have two cows.  The government takes both and shoots you.

    DICTATORSHIP

    You have two cows.  The government takes both and drafts you.

    PURE DEMOCRACY

    You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

    REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY

    You have two cows.  Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
    the milk.

    BUREAUCRACY

    You have two cows.  At first the government regulates what you can
    feed them and when you can milk them.  Then it pays you not to milk
    them.  Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
    milk down the drain.  Then it requires you to fill out forms
    accounting for the missing cows.

    CAPITALISM

    You don't have any cows.  The bank will not lend you money to buy
    cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

    PURE ANARCHY

    You have two cows.  Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
    neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

    ANARCHO-CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.  You sell one and buy a bull.

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.  The government requires you to take harmonica
    lessons.

    OLYMPICS-ISM

    You have two cows, one American, one Chinese.  With the help of
    trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh
    narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of
    growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in
    passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical
    farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes.  The
    American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a
    gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to
    endorse Wheaties.  The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by
    Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it.
    McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing
    restaurant.

    AMERICAN CORPORATE CAPITALISM

    Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids.  They are set out to graze
    on privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that
    destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are
    processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of
    clever and unprincipled marketing strategies.  When you mortgage your
    artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy
    meat, you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses
    because there is no health care plan to treat you.  The corporate
    management uses your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows
    raised "naturally" on tree-free rain forest land outside of the
    country where labor and resources are cheap.

    - - -------------------------
    M. Kaganovich

    ------- End of forwarded message -------

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